A Different Kind of Hard

I know it's been a while. Life, right? It's hard to ask others for help...especially when people have already done so much for you. And if you're anything like me and always trying to fix things for yourself, well then....you feel me on this. But sometimes the load is simply to heavy to bare by yourself, and you have no other options. Lately I feel like we've run out of options. So I am writing tonight, for the first time in 5ish months, because we can't fix this by ourselves. We need your help. I think my mom and dad would agree with me when I say, we feel like writing a giant SOS on a sandy beach in hopes to be rescued hahaha. We weren't prepared for this kind of thing. 

If you are reading this chances are you are familiar with the story, everything that happened last November with my brother Britton. So, chances are you've already helped us more than we could ever ask. Everyone who was there for us, and for him during that time, we are forever indebted to you. Your love, support and prayers are the very reason he's where he is today.  

It's strange though, because i thought the hard part was over. I mean, obviously I knew that things would never really be the same and there was going to be a very long hard road ahead...but the REALLY hard part, the part where every day was a giant question mark, yeah...that part, was supposed to be over. 

But here I am, here we are as a family...18 months later, and it's a different kind of hard. A hard that cuts a little deeper, and stings a little more. So it seems. It was supposed to get easier with time. That's what we figured at least. My brother overcame a million obstacles, saw a million miracles, and continued to progress day in and day out. Sure things were different now, but it was supposed to get easier. 

You know how every time on the movies when someone is in a coma, they just magically wake up one day and go on with their merry lives without a single problem? Well, real life's not a movie hahaha. Wish it was, right? (Someone needs to inform Nicholas Sparks) But part of me thought that with time, slowly but surely we would go on with our lives, Britt would go on with his and the problems would slowly go away and we would all live happily ever after. 

Lately I've had difficulty understanding why things have been the way they are. Why does it feel like the load is getting heavier with each day? Why does it seem that my brother is spinning in a downward spiral? Why does it feel like we are hanging on by a fragile thread?

Britton has so many admirers...he's a lucky boy to have so many people who truly care about and love him. Everyday, without fail someone asks me how my brother is. Usually dozens. And I know it is the same for my parents. It's truly humbling to know that so many genuinely want to know. I feel like the past few months I've lied to them though when i answer. It's always, "he is doing really good...things are good, just slowly progressing, etc..." I wish that were true, i really really do. But how do you tell someone the truth when it's not fun to hear. I would feel ungrateful if i did. Because here we have Britt, our giant miracle. But it's true. And I don't want to sound ungrateful for all we have been blessed with, because we are so SO undeniable thankful. Everyone always wants to talk about how well he is doing, and I just nod my head and agree...but there is so much that goes on and happens that no one knows about. Cause it's hard to talk about the failures, right? So only the good is seen. And you don't want people to know that things are hard, or not not going very well...it's just human nature. The whole putting on a face thing. We all do it. 

I don't know if i'm making sense, you are probably wondering what the heck i am even talking about. I don't want to go into a lot of detail because I don't want to take away from the incredible person my brother is, but he is struggling in more ways than i can say and needs prayers. There have been a lot of difficult/scary days, nights and events that have taken place over the past few months, that have really tested our faith and our foundation as a family. The anger, and frustration, along with all the damage to his brain just adds up to be something that is tearing Britt a part, piece by piece. Time after time, episode after episode, and it just starts to weigh on you. It is really hard to watch my brother go through these things. I know my parents are handling it as best as they can, and my younger brothers too...i thank the heavens for such Christlike parents with an endless supply of patience and love. They are strong people, the strongest I know, actually. But I can see them breaking. I can see my little brothers slowly starting to break too. Watching their older brother go through these things cant be easy, especially when they look up to him so much. I'm thankful we have each other to hold when things get out of hand or tough. 

But we are at a point where there is nothing we can really do or say to help Britt. We've exhausted every possible solution it seems. But if there is one thing i know to be true, it is that when you think you are out of options or places to turn...you aren't. Because the only way through something like this...is through our loving Heavenly father and his Son Jesus Christ. I'm certain he needs your prayers to help him overcome the struggle that he is currently facing. I mean, it worked once right? It can surely work again. I know many of you haven't stopped praying for him, even for a second. But trust me when i say he truly needs all of the prayers and love he can get. He is weary, and lost right now. And as his older sister, I am asking you with a humble heart to please help us get him back on track. 

If you are wondering what exactly he needs help with, I have been specifically praying for him, that he will rely on his testimony and put his trust and faith in God and his savior, to help him overcome difficulties. That his heart can be softened so that he may be patient, kind, loving and treat my mom, dad and brothers with respect. That whatever is going on in his brain and making him this way can be resolved or get better; maybe even find some answers from doctors on what we can do or give him to help. And last but definitely not least, for him to be happy. To learn to accept his circumstances, as hard as that may be, and decide to move forward in positivity. OH, and for him to realize and understand the importance of physical therapy and continuing to work on the little things to get better. (That's a whole other giant) I know that's a lot, but they are all very important and a part of the problems we have been dealing with lately. 

Thank you for sticking with us. Through the good times and the bad. We couldn't do it without you. I realized recently that the whole 'Believe for Britton' thing was never temporary. It is something that we will always have to do...now more than ever. but believing for him and in him, will be a forever thing, an ongoing thing that will always take work, love and faith. 

I need my brother to believe in himself. 

I need him to believe in himself the way we all believe in him. 

XOXO, Autumn