Hold Tight

Another week has gone by! Isn't it crazy how fast time flies, the concept of time is so crazy to me. Can you believe it has been almost 9 months since Britton's accident. That is so weird to me. It feels like it has gone by so fast, but i look back on those first days and feel like they were a lifetime away. I look at where my brother stands this very day, and i can't help but feel overcome with all sorts of feelings and emotions. He has come so far, and exceeded so many expectations.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Just about this whole journey. All of it. The ups the downs, the good and the bad. The past and the present. Where we were and where we are. And still to this day, i wish i could wake up and it would have all just been a bad dream. I would do anything to trade him places. It still doesn't feel real. I don't know if the reality of it all will ever sink in, fully. Maybe I'm just not letting it, maybe i don't want to accept it. I don't really know. Maybe i still don't want to believe it, or maybe I'm just not ready to. I feel like i understand it though, i do. I understand why it has happened, and that there is great purpose and reason behind it. Some of which has been made known to us already, and some that still hasn't quite unfolded. 

This week, the week of the 24th, has lots of significance. Last year this time we were up in Heber at a baseball tournament for my littlest brother Ledger! I took this picture with britt one night after a game, we had been throwing the football around on an empty field. He was teaching me some plays and Quarter Back techniques hahah you can imagine how that was going. I just remember laughing with him, and cracking Uncle Rico jokes from Napolean Dynamite. For the first time he actually wanted to and agreed to taking a picture with me (usually i had to pay him or make his bed for a week or something) This ended up being one of my favorite pictures ever. I couldn't believe how grown up he was getting. 16 years old, finally maturing. He had grown so much and just become so handsome. So funny, athletic and smart. And such a good boy, with a strong sense of who he was and where he was going in life. I love these pictures of him. I clung so tight to these photos during those rock bottom days and long terrifying nights in the hospital. Looking at them helped me to remember that the boy in the picture was full of life, laughter, dumb jokes, a crooked smile, a dang good head of hair, a strong testimony and a good heart. It reminded me that he wasn't going to be the boy in the hospital bed, with bloody bandages covering his head, tubes down his throat and nose, machines hooked up to his heart, and wires running in and out of him wherever there was room. He wasn't going to be that forever. I clung tight to this picture, praying with everything in me that i would get my britt back someday.

Today i woke up to my brother crawling in my room, on his way to get in bed with me. I saw him, and just layed there, pretending i was asleep. I watched him, crawling as quietly as he could to sneak up on me. He stumbled, and fell over a few times. But he kept getting back up with this grin on his face. Like he was so funny or something. I laughed to myself, a little bit inside, but felt tears roll down my face. I wiped them away and jumped out of bed, and helped him up. I layed with my head on his chest and just  held him tight. As tight as i could. In that moment i was so happy. Happy to have him. But my heart also ached. He is a 17 year old boy. And it is so incredibly hard not to constantly be thinking or reminded of how he was before. I try to write this without sounding ungrateful because trust me, I am far from it. I feel so blessed everyday for this sweet boy. And all that he is. But as his older sister, my heart hurts. I wish so badly he could just run or even walk into my room in the mornings, and jump in my bed next to me, stealing all the covers and falling right back asleep like old times. I wish i didn't have to watch him crawl and stumble. We were laying there and he rubbed his eye on accident, the one with the stitches. He instantly realized what he did and was worried he rubbed one of the stitches out. He was so worried, and i could tell he was getting really frustrated. I wish he didn't have to be so careful. I wish he could just see. See the world like he used to. His right eye always seems to be looking straight ahead (when it is open), I'm not sure if he even gets much use out of it. And the other one, well he sees what he can out of the little slit. Somedays i really miss his eyes. They're so green and pretty. That probably sounds silly, but you miss those little things every once in awhile. Lately I have been missing his laugh. The one i remember. He laughs all the time, and it is the funniest/cutest thing ever, don't get me wrong. But it isn't the same, you know? I love hearing his laugh. But i keep having these, flashbacks, of before. Just random things, experiences, instances where i can picture and remember it so perfectly. And then i see his face. And his smile, and everything. Those flashbacks really get me sometimes. And it is so hard not to miss it and want it back. I try not to think about it. I try to not let it get to me, but sometimes i can't just not let those memories flood in. It sure is crazy how fast things can change, isn't it? I don't want to sound like I'm taking things for granite. I don't want to sound like I'm writing like I've lost him. I'm just telling you how i feel. What i am feeling this exact second, as thoughts and memories, words, emotions and tears take over. This is sort of an escape for me i guess. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, but i feel like writing is a gateway for me. Im just being real. I miss before. I miss it like crazy. I miss him being britt. But that is okay. It is okay for me to miss it. And i probably always will. I guess the hardest thing for me, is thinking about his future. I want it all for him. I want him to have everything he ever wanted and hoped for in life. I hope so badly some day he can find the girl of his dreams, and that she loves him the way he should be loved. I hope that he has a family, with a bunch of little britty's running around, and that ill be the best aunt they ever had. I hope he can teach them how to throw a baseball, shoot a buck, ride a 4-wheeler, and bait a hook. I hope he gets that. I want that so badly for him. It's hard not to think about before, and the man he was becoming. So handsome. So successful. He still is. But i worry, you know? It scares me to death. I know things have changed for him. A lot has changed, things are different. It breaks my heart, that part of it. So i pray that he will still get all of that someday. Because he deserves it. I really just want him to be happy. And i want his future to be what he always pictured it. We had a long, deep conversation the other night. Someone has to sleep with him every night just in case, and obviously (by popular demand) he chooses me. Sometimes we are so tired and go straight to bed, but other nights we stay up talking for hours. I think nights are easily the hardest for Britt. He has too much time to think. But I know that he has to let those emotions be felt. He has to let the tears out every once in awhile, and he has to be able to vent. The other 98% of the time he can be tough. So that's where I come in. Britt and I have a special relationship. He knows he can open up to me about anything, he doesn't have to be scared about what I'll say or think. If I'll be mad at him, or worried. He trusts me with things I don't think he feels comfortable telling anyone else. I'm not going to sugar coat anything though. Britton has this incredible perspective. And somehow through all of this he has managed to keep a smile and be his light hearted self. Full of courage and resilience, faith and drive. He is all of that. But he is also struggling. It's a constant battle for him, everyday. To keep moving forward...and wanting to. Hearing some of the things he expresses to me, really breaks my heart. But I understand why he feels that way sometimes. And I know it's hard for him. It's tough for all of us. But today i got to snuggle in bed with my brother and hold him tight. I might have tears running down my face right now, but I am the happiest girl in the world…because of just that. He is my happy. All of my brothers are. My mom and my dad too. This family of mine, i hold them so dear to my heart. They are something special, each one of them. But Britt is my angel, my hero, my best friend. How do i even explain him?! There are no words. Everyday i look at his sweet face and think, how? How are you, the way you are? He truly is the most incredible boy i have ever known. And maybe I'm a little biased because he is my blood, but i think a lot of people would agree. He was a perfectly normal 17 year old boy on a date with a pretty girl one second, and the next he was clinging onto his life by a thread. In an instant his life was completely changed forever. And it was no ones fault. There was no reason as to why it happened the way it did, other than the fact that it was part of God's plan for him. That took me awhile to realize. But like i mentioned in the beginning of this all. Everything that happened that day, was no coincidence and no mistake. It was clear that the hand of God was in every aspect of it. He hung on long enough to make it to the hospital, when no one thought he would. He survived through the emergency brain surgeries, when it didn't seem likely. He made it through all of the scares at the ICU, and all of the nail biting moments when we didn't know if he would live another day. He woke up from his coma 3 months later. He went through a lot of ups and even more downs, sicknesses and setbacks the next 4 months in the hospital. No one could tell us what would come of him. From the beginning even up until now. That's the thing with the brain. You just don't know. The odds were never in his favor, and the outcome never seamed good. But it didn't matter, none of it did. Because it was never about what should, or was supposed to happen. It was never about the facts or the research or what the numbers on all of the machines hooked up to him showed. It was about his heart. That strong, courageous, sweet, powerful, heart of his. The trust vested in our Heavenly Father, and the healing and strengthening power gained through the Savior Jesus Christ. It was about FAITH. It was about HOPE. It was about LOVE. It was clinging so tightly to that knowledge, that our God is a God of Miracles. That he can make weak things become strong. That if we knock, it shall be opened, if we ask, it shall be given. That if we believe and have faith on his name, it should be made known. It was the spirit testifying that everything was going to be okay the moment i saw him for the first time. That it was going to be a long, hard, and very difficult road, but that there would be a light at the end. It was the strength in numbers, the millions of selfless, loving and faithful souls, friends, family, strangers, in our home, in our neighborhood, in our ward, and all over the world. It was the love you've had for my brother, whether you knew him or not, and the belief you had in him. It was the prayers you so generously offered up, countless times a day, everyday, since November 1, 2014. I strongly feel like my brother had a choice. That he had a choice to stay or to go. I don't doubt that it was a hard decision for him. And i don't doubt that he made the choice he did, because there were so many people here, who loved him, who needed him, who believed in him. I know that he felt that. Every last bit of it. I know that God heard our prayers, ever last one of them. Somedays i thought there's no way he can't be annoyed with all of us, constantly having to listen to us beg for our britt back. I've always been told there is strength in numbers, that an individual can accomplish a lot, but a team can conquer the world. And I think thats what we did in a way. The power of prayer is so real. I know that. I have felt it and i have witnessed it. We all have. 

I look back on pictures, and videos and things I wrote in the beginning. In the first couple of months, and the ones later on down the road. you would think that i'd understand it by now, that i would remember how bad it actually was. But without a doubt, every time i am reminded. This was no small feat. My sweet brother was so close to leaving us. And to think that he has fought, and clawed. He has fallen, time and time again. 5 steps forward, 10 steps back. It couldn't have been easy. I watched him everyday, I saw what he was going though. The pain he felt. The confusion, the anger, the fear. The disappointment. But then he would keep going, pushing forward. At first there was only so much he could do, physically. But you could just see it in him, that he was working so hard. I watched him heal, in every aspect, slowly but surely. I watched him progress and succeed. At times he fails, but he gets back up. He doesn't stop. He doesn't quit. He is never content with where he is. He knows his potential. And he believes it just as much as the rest of us do. Ive told him from day one. If you believe YOU can, YOU can. I truly think that nothing is holding him back. That given his circumstances, its unrealistic for him to recover like i think he can. But who cares. My coaches always told me that talent doesn't matter, heart is what gets you places. And Britton gets that. He has been an athlete his whole life. And i see that heart in him everyday. I hope he never gives up, no matter how long it might take or how hard it might be. Because i know i wont. I'll never give up on him. And ill never stop having the faith that he can be healed and made stronger with each day. If we do our part. Both physically and spiritually. Britton still has a long road ahead of him. An uphill road, with probably some big old rocks and other obstacles in the way. But that's okay. At least we have a future ahead of us. It could be so different. Whenever is start to feel sorry for myself or him, or any of it. I just remember that. We are the luckiest family in the world to have him here with us. Things could've gone so differently, and i think about that often. The thought haunts me, it makes me sick. I couldn't do it without him. I don't know how i would go on. I really don't. I can't imagine life without our britt. Life hits hard sometimes. Really hard. We all have our "things" that we have to deal with. Some harder than others. But each of us face difficulties. And they suck. Bad. Sometimes we think we can't do it, that we aren't capable. But that's just silly. Because, there is no trial, or burden that our loving Father in Heaven would give us that we weren't capable of enduring, and enduring well. He knows. He knows what we can take and what we cant. He knows what will break us down and what will build us back up. It is all with great purpose. As hard as it is to accept. As hard as it is to make sense of. Whenever i start to think that maybe i can't do it. Maybe britton can't do it. I am quickly reminded that, we chose this too. We agreed to it, and we accepted it. before we even came here. And that is why my brother is my hero. He took this on. He agreed to it. He accepted it. But i know that as his family, we all promised to be there for him, to help him, support him, love him and believe in him through it all. 

This gospel, the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, doesn't just bring happiness. It brings, knowledge, clarity and sense of strength that makes you feel like you can take on the world. It is incredible. It is healing. It is powerful. It is real, and it is true. Happiness. despite the bad, and the hard and the tragic. Because there is always a way through it, a way back. That is through him. Our savior Jesus Christ. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that the only way we have made it this far through this storm of ours, that britton has made it through…is because of what we know, what we have felt, and continue to feel. Because of the love our God has for us and because of the plan he holds for each of us. 

Our Britt still needs your prayers. Very much. He still isn't walking on his own, or eating normally, his speech is getting better but still not where it should be. His eyes still aren't open all the way, and he has trouble seeing well. He's been having problems with his ears lately, and has a hard time hearing. So there are still plenty of physical blessings he needs very badly. But, if you are asking me...specifically what I really think he needs...I would say pray for him to have high spirits, high hopes, and to be happy. His sweet heart needs it. OH AND GUESS WHAT! GOOD NEWS! He just received 30 more visits for therapy! The appeal worked! Yayyyyy!! Thank you for your prayers, I know they were heard! So, where there is a road ahead...there is opportunity for progress. That's all we ask and pray for, progress. We love you, Britt loves you!! Thank you for believing!

These were taken today. Same tournament, same day, just a year later. And oh how happy my heart is to have this sweet boy by my side in the picture.

Xoxo autumn