Hold Tight

Another week has gone by! Isn't it crazy how fast time flies, the concept of time is so crazy to me. Can you believe it has been almost 9 months since Britton's accident. That is so weird to me. It feels like it has gone by so fast, but i look back on those first days and feel like they were a lifetime away. I look at where my brother stands this very day, and i can't help but feel overcome with all sorts of feelings and emotions. He has come so far, and exceeded so many expectations.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Just about this whole journey. All of it. The ups the downs, the good and the bad. The past and the present. Where we were and where we are. And still to this day, i wish i could wake up and it would have all just been a bad dream. I would do anything to trade him places. It still doesn't feel real. I don't know if the reality of it all will ever sink in, fully. Maybe I'm just not letting it, maybe i don't want to accept it. I don't really know. Maybe i still don't want to believe it, or maybe I'm just not ready to. I feel like i understand it though, i do. I understand why it has happened, and that there is great purpose and reason behind it. Some of which has been made known to us already, and some that still hasn't quite unfolded. 

This week, the week of the 24th, has lots of significance. Last year this time we were up in Heber at a baseball tournament for my littlest brother Ledger! I took this picture with britt one night after a game, we had been throwing the football around on an empty field. He was teaching me some plays and Quarter Back techniques hahah you can imagine how that was going. I just remember laughing with him, and cracking Uncle Rico jokes from Napolean Dynamite. For the first time he actually wanted to and agreed to taking a picture with me (usually i had to pay him or make his bed for a week or something) This ended up being one of my favorite pictures ever. I couldn't believe how grown up he was getting. 16 years old, finally maturing. He had grown so much and just become so handsome. So funny, athletic and smart. And such a good boy, with a strong sense of who he was and where he was going in life. I love these pictures of him. I clung so tight to these photos during those rock bottom days and long terrifying nights in the hospital. Looking at them helped me to remember that the boy in the picture was full of life, laughter, dumb jokes, a crooked smile, a dang good head of hair, a strong testimony and a good heart. It reminded me that he wasn't going to be the boy in the hospital bed, with bloody bandages covering his head, tubes down his throat and nose, machines hooked up to his heart, and wires running in and out of him wherever there was room. He wasn't going to be that forever. I clung tight to this picture, praying with everything in me that i would get my britt back someday.

Today i woke up to my brother crawling in my room, on his way to get in bed with me. I saw him, and just layed there, pretending i was asleep. I watched him, crawling as quietly as he could to sneak up on me. He stumbled, and fell over a few times. But he kept getting back up with this grin on his face. Like he was so funny or something. I laughed to myself, a little bit inside, but felt tears roll down my face. I wiped them away and jumped out of bed, and helped him up. I layed with my head on his chest and just  held him tight. As tight as i could. In that moment i was so happy. Happy to have him. But my heart also ached. He is a 17 year old boy. And it is so incredibly hard not to constantly be thinking or reminded of how he was before. I try to write this without sounding ungrateful because trust me, I am far from it. I feel so blessed everyday for this sweet boy. And all that he is. But as his older sister, my heart hurts. I wish so badly he could just run or even walk into my room in the mornings, and jump in my bed next to me, stealing all the covers and falling right back asleep like old times. I wish i didn't have to watch him crawl and stumble. We were laying there and he rubbed his eye on accident, the one with the stitches. He instantly realized what he did and was worried he rubbed one of the stitches out. He was so worried, and i could tell he was getting really frustrated. I wish he didn't have to be so careful. I wish he could just see. See the world like he used to. His right eye always seems to be looking straight ahead (when it is open), I'm not sure if he even gets much use out of it. And the other one, well he sees what he can out of the little slit. Somedays i really miss his eyes. They're so green and pretty. That probably sounds silly, but you miss those little things every once in awhile. Lately I have been missing his laugh. The one i remember. He laughs all the time, and it is the funniest/cutest thing ever, don't get me wrong. But it isn't the same, you know? I love hearing his laugh. But i keep having these, flashbacks, of before. Just random things, experiences, instances where i can picture and remember it so perfectly. And then i see his face. And his smile, and everything. Those flashbacks really get me sometimes. And it is so hard not to miss it and want it back. I try not to think about it. I try to not let it get to me, but sometimes i can't just not let those memories flood in. It sure is crazy how fast things can change, isn't it? I don't want to sound like I'm taking things for granite. I don't want to sound like I'm writing like I've lost him. I'm just telling you how i feel. What i am feeling this exact second, as thoughts and memories, words, emotions and tears take over. This is sort of an escape for me i guess. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, but i feel like writing is a gateway for me. Im just being real. I miss before. I miss it like crazy. I miss him being britt. But that is okay. It is okay for me to miss it. And i probably always will. I guess the hardest thing for me, is thinking about his future. I want it all for him. I want him to have everything he ever wanted and hoped for in life. I hope so badly some day he can find the girl of his dreams, and that she loves him the way he should be loved. I hope that he has a family, with a bunch of little britty's running around, and that ill be the best aunt they ever had. I hope he can teach them how to throw a baseball, shoot a buck, ride a 4-wheeler, and bait a hook. I hope he gets that. I want that so badly for him. It's hard not to think about before, and the man he was becoming. So handsome. So successful. He still is. But i worry, you know? It scares me to death. I know things have changed for him. A lot has changed, things are different. It breaks my heart, that part of it. So i pray that he will still get all of that someday. Because he deserves it. I really just want him to be happy. And i want his future to be what he always pictured it. We had a long, deep conversation the other night. Someone has to sleep with him every night just in case, and obviously (by popular demand) he chooses me. Sometimes we are so tired and go straight to bed, but other nights we stay up talking for hours. I think nights are easily the hardest for Britt. He has too much time to think. But I know that he has to let those emotions be felt. He has to let the tears out every once in awhile, and he has to be able to vent. The other 98% of the time he can be tough. So that's where I come in. Britt and I have a special relationship. He knows he can open up to me about anything, he doesn't have to be scared about what I'll say or think. If I'll be mad at him, or worried. He trusts me with things I don't think he feels comfortable telling anyone else. I'm not going to sugar coat anything though. Britton has this incredible perspective. And somehow through all of this he has managed to keep a smile and be his light hearted self. Full of courage and resilience, faith and drive. He is all of that. But he is also struggling. It's a constant battle for him, everyday. To keep moving forward...and wanting to. Hearing some of the things he expresses to me, really breaks my heart. But I understand why he feels that way sometimes. And I know it's hard for him. It's tough for all of us. But today i got to snuggle in bed with my brother and hold him tight. I might have tears running down my face right now, but I am the happiest girl in the world…because of just that. He is my happy. All of my brothers are. My mom and my dad too. This family of mine, i hold them so dear to my heart. They are something special, each one of them. But Britt is my angel, my hero, my best friend. How do i even explain him?! There are no words. Everyday i look at his sweet face and think, how? How are you, the way you are? He truly is the most incredible boy i have ever known. And maybe I'm a little biased because he is my blood, but i think a lot of people would agree. He was a perfectly normal 17 year old boy on a date with a pretty girl one second, and the next he was clinging onto his life by a thread. In an instant his life was completely changed forever. And it was no ones fault. There was no reason as to why it happened the way it did, other than the fact that it was part of God's plan for him. That took me awhile to realize. But like i mentioned in the beginning of this all. Everything that happened that day, was no coincidence and no mistake. It was clear that the hand of God was in every aspect of it. He hung on long enough to make it to the hospital, when no one thought he would. He survived through the emergency brain surgeries, when it didn't seem likely. He made it through all of the scares at the ICU, and all of the nail biting moments when we didn't know if he would live another day. He woke up from his coma 3 months later. He went through a lot of ups and even more downs, sicknesses and setbacks the next 4 months in the hospital. No one could tell us what would come of him. From the beginning even up until now. That's the thing with the brain. You just don't know. The odds were never in his favor, and the outcome never seamed good. But it didn't matter, none of it did. Because it was never about what should, or was supposed to happen. It was never about the facts or the research or what the numbers on all of the machines hooked up to him showed. It was about his heart. That strong, courageous, sweet, powerful, heart of his. The trust vested in our Heavenly Father, and the healing and strengthening power gained through the Savior Jesus Christ. It was about FAITH. It was about HOPE. It was about LOVE. It was clinging so tightly to that knowledge, that our God is a God of Miracles. That he can make weak things become strong. That if we knock, it shall be opened, if we ask, it shall be given. That if we believe and have faith on his name, it should be made known. It was the spirit testifying that everything was going to be okay the moment i saw him for the first time. That it was going to be a long, hard, and very difficult road, but that there would be a light at the end. It was the strength in numbers, the millions of selfless, loving and faithful souls, friends, family, strangers, in our home, in our neighborhood, in our ward, and all over the world. It was the love you've had for my brother, whether you knew him or not, and the belief you had in him. It was the prayers you so generously offered up, countless times a day, everyday, since November 1, 2014. I strongly feel like my brother had a choice. That he had a choice to stay or to go. I don't doubt that it was a hard decision for him. And i don't doubt that he made the choice he did, because there were so many people here, who loved him, who needed him, who believed in him. I know that he felt that. Every last bit of it. I know that God heard our prayers, ever last one of them. Somedays i thought there's no way he can't be annoyed with all of us, constantly having to listen to us beg for our britt back. I've always been told there is strength in numbers, that an individual can accomplish a lot, but a team can conquer the world. And I think thats what we did in a way. The power of prayer is so real. I know that. I have felt it and i have witnessed it. We all have. 

I look back on pictures, and videos and things I wrote in the beginning. In the first couple of months, and the ones later on down the road. you would think that i'd understand it by now, that i would remember how bad it actually was. But without a doubt, every time i am reminded. This was no small feat. My sweet brother was so close to leaving us. And to think that he has fought, and clawed. He has fallen, time and time again. 5 steps forward, 10 steps back. It couldn't have been easy. I watched him everyday, I saw what he was going though. The pain he felt. The confusion, the anger, the fear. The disappointment. But then he would keep going, pushing forward. At first there was only so much he could do, physically. But you could just see it in him, that he was working so hard. I watched him heal, in every aspect, slowly but surely. I watched him progress and succeed. At times he fails, but he gets back up. He doesn't stop. He doesn't quit. He is never content with where he is. He knows his potential. And he believes it just as much as the rest of us do. Ive told him from day one. If you believe YOU can, YOU can. I truly think that nothing is holding him back. That given his circumstances, its unrealistic for him to recover like i think he can. But who cares. My coaches always told me that talent doesn't matter, heart is what gets you places. And Britton gets that. He has been an athlete his whole life. And i see that heart in him everyday. I hope he never gives up, no matter how long it might take or how hard it might be. Because i know i wont. I'll never give up on him. And ill never stop having the faith that he can be healed and made stronger with each day. If we do our part. Both physically and spiritually. Britton still has a long road ahead of him. An uphill road, with probably some big old rocks and other obstacles in the way. But that's okay. At least we have a future ahead of us. It could be so different. Whenever is start to feel sorry for myself or him, or any of it. I just remember that. We are the luckiest family in the world to have him here with us. Things could've gone so differently, and i think about that often. The thought haunts me, it makes me sick. I couldn't do it without him. I don't know how i would go on. I really don't. I can't imagine life without our britt. Life hits hard sometimes. Really hard. We all have our "things" that we have to deal with. Some harder than others. But each of us face difficulties. And they suck. Bad. Sometimes we think we can't do it, that we aren't capable. But that's just silly. Because, there is no trial, or burden that our loving Father in Heaven would give us that we weren't capable of enduring, and enduring well. He knows. He knows what we can take and what we cant. He knows what will break us down and what will build us back up. It is all with great purpose. As hard as it is to accept. As hard as it is to make sense of. Whenever i start to think that maybe i can't do it. Maybe britton can't do it. I am quickly reminded that, we chose this too. We agreed to it, and we accepted it. before we even came here. And that is why my brother is my hero. He took this on. He agreed to it. He accepted it. But i know that as his family, we all promised to be there for him, to help him, support him, love him and believe in him through it all. 

This gospel, the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, doesn't just bring happiness. It brings, knowledge, clarity and sense of strength that makes you feel like you can take on the world. It is incredible. It is healing. It is powerful. It is real, and it is true. Happiness. despite the bad, and the hard and the tragic. Because there is always a way through it, a way back. That is through him. Our savior Jesus Christ. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that the only way we have made it this far through this storm of ours, that britton has made it through…is because of what we know, what we have felt, and continue to feel. Because of the love our God has for us and because of the plan he holds for each of us. 

Our Britt still needs your prayers. Very much. He still isn't walking on his own, or eating normally, his speech is getting better but still not where it should be. His eyes still aren't open all the way, and he has trouble seeing well. He's been having problems with his ears lately, and has a hard time hearing. So there are still plenty of physical blessings he needs very badly. But, if you are asking me...specifically what I really think he needs...I would say pray for him to have high spirits, high hopes, and to be happy. His sweet heart needs it. OH AND GUESS WHAT! GOOD NEWS! He just received 30 more visits for therapy! The appeal worked! Yayyyyy!! Thank you for your prayers, I know they were heard! So, where there is a road ahead...there is opportunity for progress. That's all we ask and pray for, progress. We love you, Britt loves you!! Thank you for believing!

These were taken today. Same tournament, same day, just a year later. And oh how happy my heart is to have this sweet boy by my side in the picture.

Xoxo autumn 

Family + Fireworks + Food + Fun

What a week! It really was one for the books! A little bit hard, a little bit bittersweet, but definitely one full of laughing and smiles.

Britton got a visit from Ty Detmer and his sweet wife and girls. They came to our home and brought so much love and kindness with them. It meant so much to Britton to meet and talk with them all, especially because Britton has always looked up to and admired him so much. It was a lot of fun to visit with the Detmer and Hafen family and share stories for a little while.

Britt's visits at physical therapy are up, he has used up all 20 of them already, so it's up to us now to keep him moving in the right direction and continue to make progress. We are in the process of appealing, for hopefully more visits, because he really really needs them! Luckily we still have Matt Rhea and his boys coming to work with him a few times a week, and we have such amazing friends and people in the community offer their services and facilities for him to come and work out in if he needs it! Seriously, just when you think your family couldn't possibly receive any more support and help, we do! This community is absolutely incredible. It has been like, what…8 months now, and the support is still just as amazing as the day it happened. We couldn't be more grateful, or appreciative of you all:) thank you!!

You wanna know the greatest thing in the world? Being able to watch your little brother pile in the car with a bunch of his buddies and head off to hang out and get Buffalo Wild Wings. Just like he used to. I'm trying not to tear up as i type this. But really, it pulls the heart strings. I don't think his friends will ever know how much it means. They haven't left his side since the day it all happened. They were there for him when he was in the ICU, when he was in the the Nuero Rehab Unit, and they are here for him now. I really admired them at first for caring and believing in him the way they did. I knew they were such good boys with a lot of love for my brother. But i still and that worry in the back of my mind that maybe one day they would just stop showing up, or forget about him. It scared me so bad. The thought that he might not have them around all the time, and things might not be the same with them. I could understand how it would be easy to react different ways to what happened to my brother. Some people just handle traumatic stuff like this in different ways. They could have easily said this is too much and kept their distance, but they did the exact opposite. They don't treat him any differently, they just treat him like the same old Britton. I was so scared my little brother would one day feel like a project. And i was scared they his friends would feel obligated to continue being his friends. Because Britton obviously is much different than before in certain aspects, and i didn't want that to effect the same boy he was inside. Scary thought right? So to see these friends texting him "Hey bro, we are coming by tonight to pick you up!" or "Britt, can we hang out?"…them coming over to just sit on the couch and talk with him, or taking him away for a couple hours to just hang out like old times…I could never explain how much it means to not only him, but me. All i want for him is to have a normal life, to do normal things, ya know. Im so so very thankful for the friends he has, and for their character. You guys are so special. They go to Buffalo Wild Wings at least twice a week, or out to get a milkshake from Dairy Queen, or maybe its just a cruise around town listening to music. But it makes my heart so happy to see all of it.

We headed up to Park City for the week of the 4th! My littlest brother Ledger had a baseball tournament up there. We stayed in Heber at a family friends cabin, who was so generous to offer it to us! We had the greatest time just hang in out with each other and a few other families we are really close with! It was so much fun. To just enjoy each other company, joke around and laugh while being in such a beautiful place. My family went to the lake one day ( i was at a wedding) but it seemed like they had such a great time. Britton even got to drive the boat (glad i wasn't there hahahah) they went fishing and just spent the day on the water!

We watched tons of baseball games, and on the 4th we went to the Stadium of Fire in Provo! Journey was performing, which was awesome. My dad and Britton love them! They sang along to every song together. It was hilarious, Britton got stopped by soooo many people while we were there who knew him and his story! I just laughed as i watched a bunch of cute dance girls get together for a picture with him, because i knew that he was just thinking "Aweee yeah, perks of having a brain injury baby." hahahahha. It was so cool though, to see how many people knew him and were cheering for him! It is so good for him to see and meet all these believers because it helps him to understand and realize how many people truly care about him and love him even though they have never met him before. I hope someday he comes to understand how inspiring and incredible he is. Oh yeah, and then somehow Greyson became a celebrity too…I'd look over and id see a bunch of random people or dancer girls taking a selfie with greyson…hahaha.

We took Britt shopping at his favorite outlets in Park City, and we got him some new school clothes. He definitely didn't lose the shopper in him, that is for sure. We ran into so many people there too, who knew Britt and just wanted to say hi or give him a hug. It really is so amazing to see how many people care, near or far, friend or stranger, it means more than they'll ever know.

The other night i was up in Brittons room with him, and i could see he was scrolling through something on his phone. It was a bunch of old messages on Facebook from when he was in the hospital. He had to zoom in all the way, the screenshot the messages then zoom in some more in order for him to read them clearly. But i was able to creep over his shoulder long enough to see what some of them said. They were all messages from a wide variety of people, but they all had in common one thing. They were so uplifting, and positive, and touching. As he read one of them i could tell it was from one of his friends from school, Ina…she said something along the lines, of "Britton i know you are sleeping right now, but i can't wait for you to wake up and see this! I love you buddy, keep fighting." I couldn't help but cry…knowing that these people all had the faith that he would wake up and one day be able to read their messages. Britt put his phone down, and i could tell he was trying to hold back the tears, but he couldn't. He cried for a little bit, and then i asked him to say a prayer. It was the sweetest prayer i have ever heard. I can't remember all that he said, but i do know that it touched me so deeply, the spirit was so strong. He said one line "I never knew how grateful i was until now."

My mom puts a baby monitor up in Brittons room so she can hear him when he needs to go to the bathroom. Ledger was sleeping with him, and i was down in my mom's room and i could hear them talking to each other through the other monitor. I sat down next to it and just listened for awhile. I couldn't help but laugh and cry all at the same time. 9 year old ledger asking for advice from his older brother, who he has always wanted to be just like. They talked and talked and talked about who knows what, girls, sports, life. Some of the things they said to each other were so sweet. I was so so so happy to be in that moment. Listening to them. It is just another example of how precious the little things are, because they mean so much.

We took these pictures the day we left Park City.

 I didn't think much of them until i was looking back on them. I was overcome with emotion. Because i was standing in a picture with the 3 most important people in my life. Not, just 2 of them, but all 3. I don't know how i got so lucky, to still have that 3rd one in my life, and for him to be standing in that picture, and being all goofy and crazy like he is…but i did. And i will never ever stop thanking my heavenly father, and all of the amazing people who have played a part in his journey. I think every day about how the circumstances could be so incredibly different. He could be a vegetable, constantly in a wheel chair, paralyzed, unable to talk or move or do anything for that matter. But look at him. He is as close to the old Britt than i could've ever hoped or prayed for. And that is such a miracle. I will never understand why we were so blessed. or why we continue to be. But that boy is a simple reminder to me every single second of every single day that God is good, people are great, and life is so precious and amazing. Hold the ones you love and care about close to your heart, don't let the imperfections and disruptions of every day life take away from the big picture and what is really important. Go the extra mile to be a little better and to love a little harder. Don't wait for reality or tragedy to come knocking on your doorstep. Chances are it will, eventually, at some point, in some way or another. And you'll get through it. I love this family of mine. I love all of you. I love that boy i call my hero and my brother. I love the strength and happiness I am able to have through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

heres some clips front he past month, of britt just being britt