Be Still, My Soul

Today, was quite the day. Full of ups, and downs. But mostly ups, and just a few downs. Britton had a rough day, at least that is what it seemed like to me. They tried some new things, and it just didn't go as they expected. So i feel like we kind of took a couple steps back. That is okay though, we are going to have days like that. They cant all be good days, or it would be too easy right? Anyway, they tried clamping off his drain, to see if his brain could absorb the fluid itself, and that seemed to be going okay for a little while, but then his ICP (inner cranial pressure....the thing that gives us all ulcers because we worry about it so much) got pretty high, a little too high for comfort. And we cant have that. So they unclamped the drain, and let it do its thing again. I don't know why but all day today I just felt anxious, and worried, and so many other emotions. Maybe it's because we got 2 hours of sleep, or maybe it's because i am just a regular sister worried about her little brother. So i cried a lot today. More than i would have liked. Sometimes it gets hard to be tough, ya know?

If I'm being honest, and real here, which i think i have been so far, today was one of my lower days. I think i've been so caught up in all the good and positive thinking trying to be strong and optimistic (which i will continue to do and be, because that is how i truly do feel), that i forget that my little brother isn't just sleeping, taking a nap, peacefully. He is actually really hurt. It is easy for me to look over that fact, because i don't like it. i don't like it one bit, so i just assume try to ignore it. But today i couldn't. I was sitting by his bed, holding his hand as usual, and i looked at his face. Really looked. I was seeing him. I think, for the first time, actually seeing him, in this state and condition. I looked at his pictures on the wall, his football and baseball head shots, so strong, healthy and handsome. And then i would look back at his face. I couldn't contain my emotions. It is so hard to see your perfect little brother like that. Im not going to give details, or try to explain it because it isn't worth it. He still looks perfect and handsome as ever, but it is different. I see the pictures on the wall, and i can picture his smile and his funny laugh, and his quirkiness. I see his little face laying in the bed, and it breaks my heart. Completely breaks it. I long for the day i can see that smile again, hear that laugh, and there will be no healthy Britt, and hurting Britt....just Britt, the Britt i know, and miss more than anything in the world.

I was telling somebody today...I didn't know it was possible to love someone so deeply, that it hurts in a way. I love that boy. I love him to the ends of  the earth, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond a million trillion times. He is the light in a dark room, and the sun on a cloudy day.

I left the hospital to come home and shower, and had "be still my soul" on repeat the entire ride home. That hymn is so powerful. The words are perfect. every word. every line. It brings peacefulness to my aching heart every time without fail. I am thankful for spirit that can be felt through music, for the comfort that can be gained.

I drove up into my drive way, and saw some men putting up lights on my house. Green and white lights, for Britt. AND CUE THE TEARS ONCE MORE...

Just when i thought there couldn't possibly be anything else someone could think of to do for us that hasn't already been done twice, they put up lights on our house. I was just so....thankful. I got out of my car and walked over to the two guys, who i didn't know, sobbing, telling them thank you and giving them a hug. They were probably like, who is the psycho and who let her out of the nut house? I was just so impressed with the act of service that was being done. You guys never cease to amaze me. I couldn't help but think of how pretty it would look all lit up at night, and how every time someone saw it, they would be reminded to believe in our Britt.

We had a pretty amazing night, but i will tell you about that tomorrow!

Be Still My Soul

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.