"The Cooker"

Today went about as good as it can get. The goals they had set for the day, were met. Britton is a fighter. And right now he is winning. He has ben very stable for 2 days in a row. They decided to go ahead and take out one of the tubes in his neck, because he doesn't need it any more. baby steps. They moved him onto a new bed. And it seems to be the talk of the ICU. It's the best bed in the whole dang place they said, and my brother is laying on it. sooooo high maintenance, that boy of mine;) He had several bowel movements which were crucial! I wont go into detail but just know that we had some good laughs. He continues to respond to painful stimuli. His lungs are looking and sounding much clearer. And he is free of blood clots. I have caught him moving slightly on his own, here and there. just little twitches and things. I played him some more music today, i think he really likes it. Today we were completely overwhelmed with love. From literally everywhere and everyone. I will go more into detail about it tomorrow, but once again, absolutely blown away at the support we are receiving from all over the state, country and world. My brother is a special spirit.

Today i figured something out. People who work at the hospital, are the people who keep CROCS, in business. I haven't seen this many people wearing crocs, since, oh i dont know...the 3rd grade?! It is freakin awesome. Trendsetters. every last one of em. But hey, if you can keep my brother healthy and breathing (with a tube), you can wear crocs wheneverrrrrrr you'd like.

anyways. I feel like the salvation army around here. and the nurses love me. i know i am their favorite because i give them food. We have had sooooo much food, and you know what i just cannot afford anymore to eat all of it myself, like i have been, so "I come bearing gifts!" that is what i always say when i make my way to the lounge table. And i'll tell ya what, they don't let it go to waste. no way jose.

Everyone is so kind in the ICU. I love it. Actually i am very surprised they haven't kicked us out yet, me and my mom mostly. We can be....well, we can be sommer and autumn. and they should get an award for putting up with us and our million questions about a buncha nothin and bad jokes every day;)

I need to tell you what my heart is feeling.

Driving up into our drive way every other day, when its mine and my moms turn to sleep at home, never gets easier. His truck is just parked there, where he left it. He loved that truck. He put so much time and effort into it i swear, and the whole process of finding it and buying it. He thinks it is the greatest thing to ever hit the streets of santa clara and st george. One day he asked me for my opinion on the bumper i think it was, he asked if he should make it black or keep it chrome. I said chrome, and he kept it that way. It smells like him in there. Like my britt. It's so clean and tidy, just like every other special place of his. Every thing in its place, his gum, his aux chord, his money, his chapstick, his axe, all organized in his center console. I remember the day he got it, his 16th birthday. It was a complete surprise. I don't know if i've ever seen him so excited. He had a permanent smile. He named it "The Cooker", because when he would drive, and have the air on, he said it sounded like something was cooking in an oven. Driving up into the drive way is hard. It is hard to see it there, right where he left it. Knowing that one day he just parked his truck and hopped out, and then the next day he is in the hospital in a coma. I just want him back. I want him back in his truck, with his windows down, and his music up, driving around thinking he is all that and a bag of chips.

I sat in my car, headlights shining on his truck, and i just cried. I cried for first time all day. I tried to hold it back but i couldn't. All i could say to my grandma was, i cannot wait too see his eyes again. To see his smile, to hear his laugh, and try to make sense of his words because he talks quietly and tends to mumble. I can't wait to ride with him in his truck, to sit shot gun and sing along to Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney together. I clung to his #7 chain around my neck and held it close to my heart, and cried. The day i get to see him, see me, again, will be the greatest day of my life. without question.

I walked inside, and my grandma said she needed my help knowing where to put something and what exactly to do with it. I said, okay and followed her. She handed me some clothes. I picked out the shirt and held it up. Well what was left of it anyway. I realized it was his clothes from the accident, the ones they had to rip and cut off of him. I couldn't hold back the tears. Right before my eyes, in my hands, were the clothes my brother had on that day. It was so hard to see them, holding them each up one at a time, ripped to shreds. It just sent a lot of emotions running though me. My heart ached. Sometimes i wonder if ill wake up and this will all be gone. But this is all real. This isn't a dream. This is happening. 

However, with that being said. I NEVER, in my entire life, have felt so in tune with the spirit. I am being carried by the saviors love every single second of every single day. It is the most powerful manifestation of love in every ounce of the meaning. I cant explain to you this feeling, it is something you would have to feel for yourself to understand. And you can, if you put your faith and trust in him. nothing that i am is because of me. This strength i feel each day, it is not me. It is my Heavenly Father and savior Jesus Christ buoying me up, holding me, encouraging me, reassuring me.

Through trials such as these, it is impossible, IMPOSSIBLE, to try and rely on your own self to get you through. It simply will not happen.

 Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

So i have given myself to the savior, my full heart, my faith, my trust. And he has carried me, my family, and my little brother; and will continue to carry us.