Clear Eyes, Full Heart, Can't Lose

My heart is extra full today.

Everyday I learn something new, or gain a new perspective on something.

Today I was reminded of just how amazing and incredible my little brother is. And it's not that I have ever forgotten that, but sometimes I feel my mind wonders and through the everyday motions and process it kind of gets pushed to the back of my mind. I had a lot of time toady to spend with Britt, just he and I. Those seem to be my favorite times with him. I cant even begin to explain to you how awesome it has been lately, to have actual conversations with him. Where I'm not the only one participating. We talk about things, and have good long heart to hearts. Just like the old days. I tell him about boys, he laughs and shakes his head. I talk to him about his friends and what they are up to, tell him about whats going on at school and at home. He totally participates in the conversations with me. It is so fun. Today I was talking with him and I could tell something was wrong. He just seemed uncomfortable. So I started asking questions...Is something hurting? no. Do you want to get back in bed? no. Do you want to listen to music or read? no. Do you want me to shut up already? no. So i was looking around trying o figure it out, and I could tell he had gone to the bathroom. I asked him, he said yes. So I asked, should I go get someone to clean you up? And he shook his head no. I said why not. He kind of shrugged his shoulders. And started doing this frown that just broke my heart. I asked him if he was embarassed. And he shook his head and started crying.

That's when I was like, woah. It just kind of hit me.

My little brother is completely aware of what is going on around him. Although it may not look like it or seem like it at times, as crazy as it seems for him to be able to understand and hear all that it going on, he does. He knows, he gets it, and he is a typical 16 year old boy. I would be embarassed too. Poor kid. So I let him cry for a little bit, I held his hand, and rubbed his head. I told him it was okay, and when he was done being sad I would talk to him about it. So we talked about it, and after I think he felt a little better about the idea. But wow. It just made me realize that he is aware, and has feelings. I cant even imagine what he is feeling, especially emotionally. Not being able to physically do things himself. That has to be so hard to handle.

It's weird cause I am seeing so much more of my little brother every day. He's in there...but still has no control of his body or it's functions. It's a hard thing to wrap my head around. It still feels like he is just sleeping, taking a nap, and he is going to wake up just fine and dandy. It scares me to think of the future, I will be honest. It really really scares me. But I know that we just have to trust. Trust in heavenly fathers plan. I try not to think of all the things that could be wrong, or different...I mean what is the point? What's the point of being skeptical or negative about what the future might hold, when you have no control over it or know what it might possibly be. All I can do is think positively, think that not a single thing is going to be wrong with him or different. He's Britton Shipp, a stripling warrior in my eyes, he is capable of anything, and can do anything he puts his mind to. And I know it's out of my control, and his. But I truly feel that the lord provides a way for everything. So if it supposed to be that way it will. And until then, IT'S ALL GOOD.

Britt wanted to draw/write today, so we whipped out a piece of paper and a pen, and he did some real good scribbles and stuff. It was fun to watch him!

I'm so impressed with his attitude. I cant even imagine what is going on in that head of his, but for him to be able to smile and laugh with us is amazing.

As far as the bacteria goes, he has about a week left of antibiotics and then it hasta la vista babayyyyyyy to these sweat suits...literal swear suits, we wear. He kicked that bug in the butt.

I feel like i've always been a pretty loving person. And have understood it. My mom and dad have always made it a huge point in our house to make that known. To tell each other we love each other every day, every night. Every time we leave the house, or go somewhere. Every time we hang up the phone. So i know what love is. They've taught me well, and have shown me firsthand.

But my little brother has taught me a whole new meaning to the word. I really cannot even explain it in words. All I can say is that it's really powerful and strong. I hope and pray he knows how much he means to me, and how much I love him.

Watching him each day, through the ups and the downs, seeing the progress he is making, little by little, I am reminded of God's love for all of his children. All of the tender mercies, blessings and miracles that have been granted my brother through the power of the Lord, is so incredible to me. I am so thankful. Im thankful that I have felt His spirit and love through out my entire life, but especially throughout the past few months. I'm thankful that I have a relationship with Him, and that I have a testimony of the his teachings and principals. I'm thankful for the grace He has shown my family. I know God lives, and I know His love is real and perfect. I know He hears and answers our prayers. I know that He always provides a way to overcome challenges and trial in our lives, and that way is through Him.

Britton is incredible. He's the closest thing to heaven, and I see it in him and round about him everyday.