Family Over Errythang

Hey it's just me, Britton's favorite sister, again. The last couple of days I have been up in salt lake squaring away some things with school, softball, and my house.

Today has been a tough day.

A lot of people have been asking and wondering what I am going to do about school and softball so i figured I'd tell the story.

About 3 weeks or so ago, I had to start thinking about what I was going to do about going back to school and playing. But it was something that i didn't want to think about, talk about, hear about, nothing. I didn't want to address it because i didn't want to have to make a decision.

I didn't want to have to decide between two of the things that i love most. So i just put it off for awhile longer. People would ask and I would just say I don't know. Obviously I had been being very prayerful about it for a long time, but I wasn't seeming to get an answer. It was so frustrating, and stressful. I couldn't sleep for weeks, just because my mind was going a billion miles per hour thinking about all the possible pros and cons, all the possible scenarios, I asked all my friends and family what they would do if they were me, and in my position. I contemplated over and over again...everything. It got to the point where I couldn't even talk about it or I would just cry. And it wasn't just weighing on me, it was weighing on my parents too. They didn't want me to have to sacrifice the opportunities I'd gained by working my entire life to get. I could tell it was killing them too. If I went back, I wouldn't ever be able to come home, because we would be either on the road playing, or have games at home. How could I be away from Britt for 4 months? I couldn't. And I couldn't help but think that my mind and my heart would be back at home with my family and brother. How am I supposed to perform the way I want to on the field and in school if I'm not all there. And I'm not the type to do something if I can't give it 110%.

So, as I continued to pray and think about what I should do...I decided to lean towards staying home, foregoing my softball scholarship and school for the semester. I prayed about that, a lot. Wanting to know if it was the right choice.

Let me just say this. The lord hears our prayers. He hears them loud and clear, and he answers them.

My answer came in the strangest way. It's not necessarily by how it comes, but through the feeling you receive. I was just catching up on reading Facebook messages, and replying to all of the sweet words so many have to offer, when I started reading one in particular. As I read it, the words were everything I needed to hear and everything I was looking for. The spirit hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew that I had made the right decision. I had this burning feeling inside almost, and I couldn't deny that the spirit was confirming that for me. I just started bawling. Like uncontrollable tears.

I had been putting off calling my coach until the last minute. It was a conversation I was trying to avoid like the plague. I didn't want to have it. After talking to her, it felt like this huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I cant explain it. Everything had been so hard/frustrating/stressful/unclear seconds before, and now it was all okay. I just felt peaceful about it for the first time. I am incredibly blessed with the greatest coaches and teammates in the world. They have supported me and been there for me the entire time. I could never thank them enough for how they have helped me. And that is what made it so hard. They are my family too. Every single one of them. Not just teammates, but my fam. It was the worst thing in the world have to choose between my two families, and something I've worked so hard for my entire life, my dream ever since I was little, one thing that has helped shape who I am as a person today.

I've never not been playing a sport, so i questioned what it would be like to no longer be an athlete. I guess just because they have played such a huge role in my life. It's kind of who I am in a way. A lot of who I am, what I believe and what I stand for I learned on a field or on a court. So how could I just all of a sudden be done. It was something that was really hard for me to wrap my head around. Not getting up every morning at the crack of dawn to go lift and run, no more getting home late after a 14 inning game and having to get up and do it all again, no more 4 hour practices, or missing the majority of class because we are on the road playing, no more tears cause i went 0/4, and no more fist pumps on second cause i went 3/4 with a double down the 3rd base line, no more high fives and chest bumps after scoring a crucial run, no more crying and laughing with the team and girls that I love, doing what we love. I would ask myself, how was I supposed to go about my life without that? I think it was so hard because it's really all i've ever known. That's what i've done for about 20 years now it seems like. So it's just a big part of my life. To let go of it, was really difficult.

Here's the thing though. If we are talking about the big picture here, family is at he top of the priority list. Once hundred percent of the time. No exceptions. I think everyone would agree.

Nothing is more important to me than my family, and my faith. And I would be and am willing to give up whatever I need to for any of them. I think about it, and as hard as it is for me to give up softball, it is such a small sacrifice, to be here with my brother, every step of the way, through the hardest time of his life. And all of ours. There is no where else I want to be. And that is what it comes down to. I want to be with him, by his bed, holding his hand, giving him pep talks, telling him i love him and I am proud of him for as long as it takes to get him back. I wanna be there when he wakes up. I wanna be there when he learns to talk and walk again. I wanna be there to cheer him on when he feels like giving up. I wanna be there for him when he needs to cry and let it all out. I'm his sister, and I'm gonna be there for my brother. Because I know he would do the same for me. No way could I choose ANYTHING over that.

This is really personal but I'm going to tell you anyway. One night when it was just me and Britt, I was talking to him about what he thought I should do. I got the most overwhelming feeling that when Britt was up there in heaven, and decided to take this challenge, he said Aut, I can't do this without you...so I said, alright, lets do this.

And here we are. It was hard telling my team today about my decision. But I'm happy with it and I know it was the right one. I know that I will never regret it. Because how could I regret staying next to the strongest, most inspiring and special young boy who I so luckily get to call my little brother, as he takes on the road he has ahead of him.

I dont even know if any of this makes sense, so bare with me if it doesn't.

Family over errythanggggg

I love you Britt. Let's do this.